Primadonna by Marina

By Korie Houston

“Primadonna girl, yeah

All I ever wanted was the world

I can’t help that I need it all

The primadonna life, the rise and fall”

I thought it fitting that with San Diego Pride around the corner, Primadonna be the next piece I cover. MARINA formerly Marina and the Diamonds made this song from her sophomore album Electra Heart, an album that was a huge part of my queer awakening. Why this song specifically is because it touches upon the loneliness that comes with masking your insecurities with luxury and excess. All we crave is adoration when in reality it’s one of the loneliest experiences. Call it the Leo in me or simply just a Primadonna. 

“Would you do anything for me?

Buy a big diamond ring for me?

Would you get down on your knees for me?

Pop that pretty question, right now baby”

I’ve worked in our resident gayborhood for about a decade. And what I’ve learned is that in living in my truth comes a new mask. I was once told that we’re all just putting on a show and to leave your troubles at the door. I’ve always felt my constant need for validation leads me to seek out praise in so many forms I can’t keep track of what it means to rest. With that as well what it means to set firm boundaries. But I do know that charisma and my warm demeanor is disarming to people and in turn makes me feel instant gratification of connection I yearn for.

“Beauty queen on a silver screen

Living life like I’m in a dream

I know I’ve got a big ego

I really don’t know why it’s such a big deal, though”

This all boils down to curating the perfect persona. Similar to Marina’s character of Electra Heart I don’t always know how to feel what is real when it comes to emotion. On social media it’s all smiles, at work it’s being America’s Sweetheart, but when I’m at home and it feels like the credits are ready to roll I’m at my lowest points. These lyrics remind me of the facade we put on to navigate the lives we live. 

“And I’m sad to the core, core, core

(Yeah) Every day is a chore, chore, chore

When you give, I want more, more, more

I wanna be adored”

The desire for adoration sometimes overwrites my desire to just be happy. At the cost of my self at times I get lost in the dark. 

My last piece touched upon that depression I feel dimming my light. At the same time I shine that light to blind myself from the insecurities I face. We all want to be seen but being on a pedestal is a fleeting moment.

“Living life like I’m in a play

In the limelight I want to stay”

Everywhere I go in this city, I’m bound to know someone. To meet someone and to build connections. Even in those moments of so many people in the room with me can be when I feel the loneliest. Or saying hi and a quick conversation sometimes to brighten someone else’s day as I flutter on to the next thing. My comfort zone is being known but people don’t truthfully know everything about me. Just the glimpses of someone smiling and moving on with my day. 

“You say that I’m kinda difficult

But it’s always someone else’s fault

Got you wrapped around my finger, babe

You can count on me to misbehave”

Primadonna is a song all about highs and lows. It’s a perfect description of the ways I feel when I write my thoughts to the page. The rise is the feeling of being relevant, the fall is the reality of not being seen. It’s a problem of my own creation. In a sense I’ve got my own self wrapped around my finger. It’s a web I’m in and I don’t want to feel like the fly.