We can’t be friends (wait for your love) – Ariana Grande

By Korie Houston

“I didn’t think you’d understand me. How could you ever even try?”

I used to accept the idea that our community never had a blueprint for love or connection. It’s bullshit that I don’t believe anymore. What I’m reckoning with now is how easy it is to lose the plot when I stop trying to understand what someone else wants and how quickly vulnerability slips when I let myself stay guarded. The question is to those who’ve hurt me: have you ever tried to understand me?

“We can’t be friends. But I’d like to just pretend. You cling to your papers and pens. Wait until you like me again.”

For the last several years, I’ve learned what it truly feels like to have people lift you up unconditionally. I’ve also experienced what it’s like to be torn down until you’re feeling so defeated it’s hard to get up. I wouldn’t wish that kind of love on anyone platonic or romantically. The reality of a friendship is that it’s such a high honor to give someone when you build an intimacy that isn’t about your physical attraction to them. It’s not a consolation prize when something doesn’t work out. 

“’Cause I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to bite, my tongue yeah I think I’d rather die. You’ve got me misunderstood but at least I look this good.”

I’ve been the advice giver, the best friend, the lover and the shoulder to cry on. I’ve done it all for others without an expectation. But maybe that was the problem. How can I be so many things to others if I myself am not pouring that back into my own heart? I’m not waiting around to be loved by others when I can do that for myself. I’ve found my voice in my writing, but it was only recently I found it in my speech.

“Know that you made me. I don’t like how you paint me yet I’m still here hanging.”

I give credit to the people who made me question my self worth and chipped away to help me understand that it was never about me. People create their own perceptions of you when they’re deeply unhappy with themselves. I’m not a saint but I lead my life with empathy and grace that others don’t give. I’ll say this every opportunity I get: in the new year I’m going to be the same person, but I’m going to continue to grow into the person that speaks up for themself, doesn’t take anyone’s shit, and continues to live in my truth.

“It’s something like a daydream. But I feel so seen in the night. So for now, it’s only me. And maybe that’s all I need.”

Life can be lonely at times, but I’ve made some beautiful friendships and chosen family along the way. Love continues to come in all forms and it’s okay to want people to choose you first. This isn’t akin to Grey’s Anatomy’s famous line “Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me.” But it is a reminder to choose yourself every time and know that it’s okay to write yourself out of the chapter in someone else’s story. Love hard, love honestly, and don’t wait for anyone else. It’s a New Year and I will no longer settle for less.