Why Is It So Hard to be a Couple?

By Michael Kimmel

Dear Michael:

I am 22 years old and in my first gay relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three months now. He’s my first real true love, but can you tell me why it’s so hard to be part of a couple? I had no idea how much work it is. As a therapist, do you have any advice?

First timer in North Park

Dear First timer:

Congratulations!  One’s first “true love” relationship is memorable, whether it lasts a few months or decades (I hope the latter for you). You ask a good question: why is it so hard to be part of a couple?

In a relationship, by allowing your partner to get to know you intimately, you are inviting those less-than-lovely parts of yourself to be seen, opening a Pandora’s Box of previous unresolved life problems… you know, the box you buried in the backyard, hoping never to open again.

It’s even more challenging for queer couples, because – even today – most therapists and psychology books focus on heterosexual couples. There are only a few of us in San Diego who work predominantly with queer couples and throuples (three people in a committed relationship).

When two queer people commit to each other, the dynamics aren’t the same as for a heterosexual model. In my experience as a therapist, a male-male couple may typically have problems with too strong a desire for a variety of sexual outlets and too weak a desire for vulnerability and intimacy.

In heterosexual couples, the male and female stereotypes often play out like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and all that traditional gender role stuff. As queer couples, we’re inventing our own genres of love and making up the rules as we go. For example, if you have two men from Mars, who cleans up? Who’s the more nurturing one? Who’s the more career-oriented guy?

As I talk about in my book, “The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage” (https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Open-Monogamous-Marriage/dp/1442268018) male couples often experience more competition with each other than heterosexual couples do. This can make our relationships very challenging indeed.

On the other hand, if you’ve ever tried online dating, you may think that being part of a couple is about sunsets on the beach and great sex by the fireplace, followed by hours of afterglow. Sounds good, right? While you may luck into this Hallmark card life now and then, being in a couple is more likely to find you and your partner in an ongoing cycle of war and peace.

Conflict is inevitable: arguing and disagreements are part of loving someone. Couples I’ve worked with have fought over everything from how to load the dishwasher to which city to live in. Expect conflict: if you think you can miraculously avoid it, you’re deluding yourself, and you’ll run from relationship-to-relationship looking for the person with whom you can be perpetually peaceful, calm and loving.

Good luck finding this person: they don’t exist.

Surprisingly, conflict is vital to your growth as a couple. How do you resolve your disagreements, your irritations with each other? How do you talk about them? Or don’t you?

You’re right Mr. First Timer, being in a couple is hard work, no matter how mature you or your partner are. It’s normal to experience discomfort and the messiness of growing together with someone who will inevitably drive you crazy one minute and then incite you to passionate sex the next. When the two of you argue, do you typically say, “You’re wrong, I’m right” and dig your heels in – good luck with that strategy – or can you see that your partner’s doing you a favor by showing you the parts of yourself that need some work.

Ouch.

It‘s better to anticipate ongoing changes in couple-dom, rather than expect some blissful, illusion of a relationship that only exists in fantasyland. A truly loving relationship helps us to know ourselves and our partner better and shows us how we can help each other grow to become the people that we truly want to be.

It’s a challenge, but the rewards are great. I hope you’re up for it!

Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBTQ+ clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.